I find myself back on the single scene. After a month or so of receiving much attention from a few interested parties (interested only in one thing, though), I find I am not interested in receiving attention of that sort any longer. I want to spend time with persons who want to spend time with me - not just for that 3 letter word.
I have made a vow to myself not to get into a relationship again any time soon, and to learn to live alone and be single, get to know me as me, not me in a relationship. Re-learn what I like in life, live the life I want to live.
However, I have found myself spending some time with a person. A person whose company I greatly enjoy. A person who I feel at ease with, and feel that conversation flows naturally with him. Questions have been raised about whether my meetings with this person constitute 'dates', and I have questions in my own mind regarding whether this person is 'just a friend', whether he is at all interested in more, and if he is, if he's happy to take it slow.
The first occasion we spent time together was almost 2 weeks ago. We were texting, I said if he wanted to catch up for a drink to let me know, he said he was headed to the beach and I was welcome to join him for a drink. So I did. He bought me a drink, then I reciprocated for round 2. We spent about 3 hours together, just talking. It was good. It was easy. Cheek kiss goodbye. Here, we need to remember that this man has kissed me once before. We've both been burnt, so I imagine that this is 'taking it slow' if this is 'seeing' someone???
We had a couple of texts in the following week, with me not getting responses to a couple of mine, so I thought he wasn't interested. Then Wednesday night, I received a text asking how my day was. We texted some more, he mentioned he was headed out to his house sitting house, and I was aware he needed to drive right past mine. I offered coffee, he came, we had 2, he said he'd go to a movie with me, and again we spent 2 1/2 hours chatting. Cheek kiss goodbye again.
Honestly, I don't know if these constitute dates, if he's interested as anything more than a friend etc. Thoughts???
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
How do you cope with the loneliness after separation?
The loneliness.
That's what's getting me. When you have lived with your partner for 7 years, and have had a child around for 2 1/2, to suddenly go to having no company whatsoever for half of the week is quite a shock to the system. I can't fathom how those who separate after 20-30 years together cope.
It's not only going from living with someone, it's also a move back to a city after 9 months away. People have moved on. They have their own lives. That don't, as a general rule, involve socialising with you. My mother included. But that's another story...
I don't know why I expected that perhaps my close friends and family might actually ask me for dinner, or told me to call if I wanted company. I am so used to not asking for help. Doing everything and coping with everything on my own. I have made a more conscious effort over the past 6-8 weeks to ask for help. To admit when I feel low and need company. But I really feel I was better off before, surviving on my own. You don't suffer the disappointment of asking for help, admitting weakness, and being turned down.
So, tell me, how do you cope with the loneliness after separation? Today I've done yoga on a DVD in the house sitting house I'm at. I've gotten out of the house, driven around to look at furniture for my new house, been to my new house to take photo's, done some work, read the paper, walked to the deli down the road, washed my car, blow dried my hair, asked for company in going to the outdoor cinema tonight via facebook and text messages (clearly to no avail, judging by the time I'm writing this). All of my stuff is in storage, so I can't really get into one of my hobbies.
Really, tell me, how do you cope? Does it get any better?
That's what's getting me. When you have lived with your partner for 7 years, and have had a child around for 2 1/2, to suddenly go to having no company whatsoever for half of the week is quite a shock to the system. I can't fathom how those who separate after 20-30 years together cope.
It's not only going from living with someone, it's also a move back to a city after 9 months away. People have moved on. They have their own lives. That don't, as a general rule, involve socialising with you. My mother included. But that's another story...
I don't know why I expected that perhaps my close friends and family might actually ask me for dinner, or told me to call if I wanted company. I am so used to not asking for help. Doing everything and coping with everything on my own. I have made a more conscious effort over the past 6-8 weeks to ask for help. To admit when I feel low and need company. But I really feel I was better off before, surviving on my own. You don't suffer the disappointment of asking for help, admitting weakness, and being turned down.
So, tell me, how do you cope with the loneliness after separation? Today I've done yoga on a DVD in the house sitting house I'm at. I've gotten out of the house, driven around to look at furniture for my new house, been to my new house to take photo's, done some work, read the paper, walked to the deli down the road, washed my car, blow dried my hair, asked for company in going to the outdoor cinema tonight via facebook and text messages (clearly to no avail, judging by the time I'm writing this). All of my stuff is in storage, so I can't really get into one of my hobbies.
Really, tell me, how do you cope? Does it get any better?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Where am I now?
I no longer go to sleep at night feeling unloved and unsexy. For I no longer go to sleep with someone else next to me.
I no longer feel guilty for having a 30 minute bath. For I have no-one to query my desire to bathe away the days' stresses. I have no-one to demonstrate anger or contempt towards me for wanting, nay, needing, to do so.
I no longer question my parenting skills so frequently, nor do I feel judged by the other parent for my parenting choices. For I no longer have the other parent around 24/7 to question and judge.
I no longer feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who understands me, or even pretends to understand me. Nor do I feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who is willing to listen without judgement, negativity and contempt.
Most of the time I feel happiness, contentment, positivity. It's on my terms. I am living my life on my terms, for the first time in my whole adult life. I don't live with my parents. I don't live with my husband. I am living alone for the first time. Yes, I have to deal with the emotions and pangs of guilt and pain associated with relinquishing 50% of time with my son, and of being a single parent. But all that considered, I still feel a level of happiness, contentment and positivity I've not felt in some time.
Don't get me wrong, I have my moments - doesn't everyone? Most recently was the Monday just gone, public holiday after Christmas, all friends with their families or partners. Mother in cleaning mode. Having been heavily disappointed and let down by deceptive and inconsiderate actions from a once-upon-a-time friend the previous day. That said, after spending the morning crying in bed (no, I did not have care of my son), I had the great pleasure of enjoying time with a person enduring similar emotions and challenges that are part and parcel of the separating single parent. A person I feel a connection with, feel safe with, and someone I see myself spending more time with.
Before I get to the future, I shall focus on the past few months. I shall detail the big questions that occupied my mind these past few months in my coming posts. Stay tuned.
I no longer feel guilty for having a 30 minute bath. For I have no-one to query my desire to bathe away the days' stresses. I have no-one to demonstrate anger or contempt towards me for wanting, nay, needing, to do so.
I no longer question my parenting skills so frequently, nor do I feel judged by the other parent for my parenting choices. For I no longer have the other parent around 24/7 to question and judge.
I no longer feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who understands me, or even pretends to understand me. Nor do I feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who is willing to listen without judgement, negativity and contempt.
Most of the time I feel happiness, contentment, positivity. It's on my terms. I am living my life on my terms, for the first time in my whole adult life. I don't live with my parents. I don't live with my husband. I am living alone for the first time. Yes, I have to deal with the emotions and pangs of guilt and pain associated with relinquishing 50% of time with my son, and of being a single parent. But all that considered, I still feel a level of happiness, contentment and positivity I've not felt in some time.
Don't get me wrong, I have my moments - doesn't everyone? Most recently was the Monday just gone, public holiday after Christmas, all friends with their families or partners. Mother in cleaning mode. Having been heavily disappointed and let down by deceptive and inconsiderate actions from a once-upon-a-time friend the previous day. That said, after spending the morning crying in bed (no, I did not have care of my son), I had the great pleasure of enjoying time with a person enduring similar emotions and challenges that are part and parcel of the separating single parent. A person I feel a connection with, feel safe with, and someone I see myself spending more time with.
Before I get to the future, I shall focus on the past few months. I shall detail the big questions that occupied my mind these past few months in my coming posts. Stay tuned.
It's been a while...
Hmm...I am well aware of just how long it's been. Initially, it was a forgotten password AND username (I know, who forgets both?!), then, well...my marriage quite literally fell apart, I lost my job, and had no abode to dwell in on return to my home city...to say the least, I have been consumed.
At a time when I clearly needed to be blogging, I was focussed elsewhere. Suffice to say I am back now, and I intend pouring my heart and soul into articulating these past few months.
At a time when I clearly needed to be blogging, I was focussed elsewhere. Suffice to say I am back now, and I intend pouring my heart and soul into articulating these past few months.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
It's the way you make me feel
When a person makes you feel worse about yourself more than they make you feel good, is it time to stand up and part ways?
The older I get the more I think that life is just too short, and whilst there are difficulties in any relationship, and trying times are part and parcel, if more often than not someone makes you feel bad, it's not ok. Is that a selfish attitude?
I don't expect to be spoken to in terse tones in response to genuine questions.
I don't expect to not be able to ask questions to find the answers and allow myself to make a decision of what course of action to take.
I don't expect to be sworn at in front of my son.
I expect to be considered and cared for when I'm unwell.
I expect to be spoken to in kindness.
I expect to be able to have constructive conversations.
The older I get the more I think that life is just too short, and whilst there are difficulties in any relationship, and trying times are part and parcel, if more often than not someone makes you feel bad, it's not ok. Is that a selfish attitude?
I don't expect to be spoken to in terse tones in response to genuine questions.
I don't expect to not be able to ask questions to find the answers and allow myself to make a decision of what course of action to take.
I don't expect to be sworn at in front of my son.
I expect to be considered and cared for when I'm unwell.
I expect to be spoken to in kindness.
I expect to be able to have constructive conversations.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Decisiveness
Oh, how to come to make a decision?
I no sooner think my mind is made up, and I am taking one fork in the road, than I begin reminiscing and ponder a return to the other path. But is it that reminiscing, that romanticising about the good times, that clouds the reality? Or is it that 'grass is greener', that tints the shades of a dream of a possible future? Oh, for the invention of rose-coloured glasses. It would be so much easier to see it as it is, and not be influenced by the reminiscing or 'grass is greener'.
Is a decision ever so cut and dried? Are the only 2 paths? Not merely to my current situation, but to all of our questions in general. Or can there be variables on those paths? To the outsider, looking in, it would seem that there are only 2 options. But different paths can look like different things to different people. Just because the only 2 people I currently relate to ended up on a negative, agonising path, doesn't mean that my path has to look that way also. Along one path, it may not appear as happy families all the time. It may be littered with bumps, cracks and muddy patches along the seemingly happy, 'society approves' path. Along the other, it may appear as two parties who manage to allow room for each others' happiness, relying on each other, looking out for each other...whereas for others, this would be a situation they could not relate to.
Or, perhaps a decision does not need to be made yet? Perhaps one could delay the decision making altogether? Oh, wouldn't that be lovely. If it weren't for the constant exhaustion involved in the contemplation and thinking, I think this would absolutely be my preferred option!
What paths are you currently faced with? Are there only 2, or are there variables? How have you made up your mind?
I no sooner think my mind is made up, and I am taking one fork in the road, than I begin reminiscing and ponder a return to the other path. But is it that reminiscing, that romanticising about the good times, that clouds the reality? Or is it that 'grass is greener', that tints the shades of a dream of a possible future? Oh, for the invention of rose-coloured glasses. It would be so much easier to see it as it is, and not be influenced by the reminiscing or 'grass is greener'.
Is a decision ever so cut and dried? Are the only 2 paths? Not merely to my current situation, but to all of our questions in general. Or can there be variables on those paths? To the outsider, looking in, it would seem that there are only 2 options. But different paths can look like different things to different people. Just because the only 2 people I currently relate to ended up on a negative, agonising path, doesn't mean that my path has to look that way also. Along one path, it may not appear as happy families all the time. It may be littered with bumps, cracks and muddy patches along the seemingly happy, 'society approves' path. Along the other, it may appear as two parties who manage to allow room for each others' happiness, relying on each other, looking out for each other...whereas for others, this would be a situation they could not relate to.
Or, perhaps a decision does not need to be made yet? Perhaps one could delay the decision making altogether? Oh, wouldn't that be lovely. If it weren't for the constant exhaustion involved in the contemplation and thinking, I think this would absolutely be my preferred option!
What paths are you currently faced with? Are there only 2, or are there variables? How have you made up your mind?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Who do you share with?
So, I've floated away for a bit...
Why do I insist on divulging my thoughts with people I feel like I've connected with - for a minute?! I am the spider in the Little Miss Muffet nursery rhyme - frightening others away by reaching out.
They say that the problems occur in a marriage when one starts talking to others about their marriage. Yet, when all you discuss turns into anger and hurt with your estranged spouse, where to go? When one is isolated, away from their 'people', one tends to turn to others they wouldn't normally turn to.
The one person they feel like they connected with on an intimate level in the past few years. That person who made them feel an inkling of special and worthy, and who highlighted exactly what they've been missing in their marriage for a very long time. The one person who is 'there' in the loneliness of the night - that time after one's son has gone to sleep, and before one succumbs to sleep themselves.
The person they work with everyday who has turned into a substitute brother. Who keeps me in check every day, and has called me on my more excessive habits. Who has made a pact with me to keep those excessive, pain dulling habits in check.
And the person who gave me my foot in the door, and gave me the opportunity to be where I am now, in the job I love. The person who I no longer work with, but who understands it all, admires my ability to articulate my issues and what I want from life, and my unwillingness to compromise on anything less.
Who do you share with? And how do you get it all off your chest without scaring any of them off?
Why do I insist on divulging my thoughts with people I feel like I've connected with - for a minute?! I am the spider in the Little Miss Muffet nursery rhyme - frightening others away by reaching out.
They say that the problems occur in a marriage when one starts talking to others about their marriage. Yet, when all you discuss turns into anger and hurt with your estranged spouse, where to go? When one is isolated, away from their 'people', one tends to turn to others they wouldn't normally turn to.
The one person they feel like they connected with on an intimate level in the past few years. That person who made them feel an inkling of special and worthy, and who highlighted exactly what they've been missing in their marriage for a very long time. The one person who is 'there' in the loneliness of the night - that time after one's son has gone to sleep, and before one succumbs to sleep themselves.
The person they work with everyday who has turned into a substitute brother. Who keeps me in check every day, and has called me on my more excessive habits. Who has made a pact with me to keep those excessive, pain dulling habits in check.
And the person who gave me my foot in the door, and gave me the opportunity to be where I am now, in the job I love. The person who I no longer work with, but who understands it all, admires my ability to articulate my issues and what I want from life, and my unwillingness to compromise on anything less.
Who do you share with? And how do you get it all off your chest without scaring any of them off?
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