I'm not appreciating being unwell and not having someone to look after you. I know there are worse things in life, but, being currently unwell, It's bothering me. I guess that's the only point where being single gets me down.
9 months ago was probably when it hit me hardest. I had been in & out of emergency wards for a couple of months, having to drive myself through excruciating pain - there simply was no one there for me. I had a couple of friends who came to visit me, but at the end of the day I was on morphine & going home to an empty house. That cut.
A few months later, I finally secured a date for surgery. Only to have a woman t-bone my car on the way to work 1 week prior, causing my car to become airborne & lay to rest not 1m from a rather large power pole. I had care of my son that week.
It was difficult, to say the least, dealing with severe whiplash, on top of excruciating abdominal pain, whilst caring for my beautiful 4 year old son. How do you complete the required physio exercises every hour or two when there's a little person needing your care & love? How do you prepare your meals when the whiplash headache is crippling & abdominal pain tortuous?
Oh, what I would've given to have my best friend back from Greece at that time. Crazily enough, I was actually dating a person at the time. Yet they couldn't find it in themselves to make a visit to me in hospital or at home. The promise of physical care support following my surgery was appearing more & more hollow at that point. Yet I kept asking, confirming, & kept getting that confirmation, that promise.
One week later, of course, that was withdrawn in the cruelest way. Unable to walk unaided. To rise from couch or bed unassisted. I received a call telling me that his feelings had changed, that he wasn't coming. I was left alone, on morphine, for a tortuous night & day, until friends & mother could free themselves to care for me.
That cut the most. That someone is cared for had deemed me not worthy of even a hint of care or friendship. I decided in that period of time that I had shown myself & the world how truly strong I really was, and that never again would I need anyone else. Never again would I rely on another. And never again would I ask. If someone wanted me, or wanted to help me out, they'd do it because they wanted to.
So, yes, I've been through worse. And whilst I've made that decision to not rely on or need another ever again, it would be nice. Just to have that cuddle that days 'I'm here, i will look after you', and that cup of tea in the mornimg that says 'I know you're not well enough to do this today, but I am, so let me'.
But that's not ever going to happen. I won't let it. I won't be let down, hurt & disappointed again.
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