Where am I now?

I no longer go to sleep at night feeling unloved and unsexy. For I no longer go to sleep with someone else next to me.

I no longer feel guilty for having a 30 minute bath. For I have no-one to query my desire to bathe away the days' stresses. I have no-one to demonstrate anger or contempt towards me for wanting, nay, needing, to do so.

I no longer question my parenting skills so frequently, nor do I feel judged by the other parent for my parenting choices. For I no longer have the other parent around 24/7 to question and judge.

I no longer feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who understands me, or even pretends to understand me. Nor do I feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who is willing to listen without judgement, negativity and contempt.

Most of the time I feel happiness, contentment, positivity. It's on my terms. I am living my life on my terms, for the first time in my whole adult life. I don't live with my parents. I don't live with my husband. I am living alone for the first time. Yes, I have to deal with the emotions and pangs of guilt and pain associated with relinquishing 50% of time with my son, and of being a single parent. But all that considered, I still feel a level of happiness, contentment and positivity I've not felt in some time.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments - doesn't everyone? Most recently was the Monday just gone, public holiday after Christmas, all friends with their families or partners. Mother in cleaning mode. Having been heavily disappointed and let down by deceptive and inconsiderate actions from a once-upon-a-time friend the previous day. That said, after spending the morning crying in bed (no, I did not have care of my son), I had the great pleasure of enjoying time with a person enduring similar emotions and challenges that are part and parcel of the separating single parent. A person I feel a connection with, feel safe with, and someone I see myself spending more time with.

Before I get to the future, I shall focus on the past few months. I shall detail the big questions that occupied my mind these past few months in my coming posts. Stay tuned.

It's been a while...

Hmm...I am well aware of just how long it's been. Initially, it was a forgotten password AND username (I know, who forgets both?!), then, well...my marriage quite literally fell apart, I lost my job, and had no abode to dwell in on return to my home city...to say the least, I have been consumed.

At a time when I clearly needed to be blogging, I was focussed elsewhere. Suffice to say I am back now, and I intend pouring my heart and soul into articulating these past few months.

It's the way you make me feel

When a person makes you feel worse about yourself more than they make you feel good, is it time to stand up and part ways?

The older I get the more I think that life is just too short, and whilst there are difficulties in any relationship, and trying times are part and parcel, if more often than not someone makes you feel bad, it's not ok. Is that a selfish attitude?

I don't expect to be spoken to in terse tones in response to genuine questions.
I don't expect to not be able to ask questions to find the answers and allow myself to make a decision of what course of action to take.
I don't expect to be sworn at in front of my son.

I expect to be considered and cared for when I'm unwell.
I expect to be spoken to in kindness.
I expect to be able to have constructive conversations.

Decisiveness

Oh, how to come to make a decision?

I no sooner think my mind is made up, and I am taking one fork in the road, than I begin reminiscing and ponder a return to the other path. But is it that reminiscing, that romanticising about the good times, that clouds the reality? Or is it that 'grass is greener', that tints the shades of a dream of a possible future? Oh, for the invention of rose-coloured glasses. It would be so much easier to see it as it is, and not be influenced by the reminiscing or 'grass is greener'.

Is a decision ever so cut and dried? Are the only 2 paths? Not merely to my current situation, but to all of our questions in general. Or can there be variables on those paths? To the outsider, looking in, it would seem that there are only 2 options. But different paths can look like different things to different people. Just because the only 2 people I currently relate to ended up on a negative, agonising path, doesn't mean that my path has to look that way also. Along one path, it may not appear as happy families all the time. It may be littered with bumps, cracks and muddy patches along the seemingly happy, 'society approves' path. Along the other, it may appear as two parties who manage to allow room for each others' happiness, relying on each other, looking out for each other...whereas for others, this would be a situation they could not relate to.

Or, perhaps a decision does not need to be made yet? Perhaps one could delay the decision making altogether? Oh, wouldn't that be lovely. If it weren't for the constant exhaustion involved in the contemplation and thinking, I think this would absolutely be my preferred option!

What paths are you currently faced with? Are there only 2, or are there variables? How have you made up your mind?

Who do you share with?

So, I've floated away for a bit...

Why do I insist on divulging my thoughts with people I feel like I've connected with - for a minute?! I am the spider in the Little Miss Muffet nursery rhyme - frightening others away by reaching out.

They say that the problems occur in a marriage when one starts talking to others about their marriage. Yet, when all you discuss turns into anger and hurt with your estranged spouse, where to go? When one is isolated, away from their 'people', one tends to turn to others they wouldn't normally turn to.

The one person they feel like they connected with on an intimate level in the past few years. That person who made them feel an inkling of special and worthy, and who highlighted exactly what they've been missing in their marriage for a very long time. The one person who is 'there' in the loneliness of the night - that time after one's son has gone to sleep, and before one succumbs to sleep themselves.

The person they work with everyday who has turned into a substitute brother. Who keeps me in check every day, and has called me on my more excessive habits. Who has made a pact with me to keep those excessive, pain dulling habits in check.

And the person who gave me my foot in the door, and gave me the opportunity to be where I am now, in the job I love. The person who I no longer work with, but who understands it all, admires my ability to articulate my issues and what I want from life, and my unwillingness to compromise on anything less.

Who do you share with? And how do you get it all off your chest without scaring any of them off?

Is it this expectation?

"I learned, really learned in my body, that life is now...
Someone once said to me,

"Expectation is the root of all suffering"

and after my wedding I understood that phrase...
the messages in our culture that keep us reaching for the next thing to bring us happiness - that perfect boyfriend, that perfect wedding, then the house, the children, the car, the better job."

Sheryl Nissinen, The Conscious Bride, 2000

Is it this expectation that is making me question my marriage?

Have I expected that a marriage should look or feel a certain way? Have I expected that my marriage, child, job etc will complete me? Or have I had an expectation that all marriages lack the intimacy and affection I so crave, and therefore an expectation that it is normal to be lacking in this?

I have found, through many discussions over the recent past, that whilst my friends and colleagues are able to relate to a time in their relationships where they have felt "out of sync" with their partner in regards to affection and intimacy levels, they could not say that this has been an issue for the almost 8 years of being in their relationships, as have I. I understand that a marriage needs to be tended to, as a garden does, and that no marriage is successful without some effort. I have been tending to this issue for the entirety. I have initiated marriage counselling to work through this. I am prepared to work through this, yet I so long to feel that intimacy and affection that, deep down, I know is not evident in my partner.

At what point, though, does one acknowledge that they did not realise what it was they needed when they began the marital relationship? At what point does one acknowledge that their partner has not changed, but that they themselves thought they could live without intimacy and affection? At what point does one acknowledge that they can not carry on without a caress, without a tender kiss - be it on the mouth, neck, body- without making love with the sole purpose of wanting their partner to experience ultimate pleasure, forsaking one's own needs and desires (occasionally, not all the time!). At what point....?

At what point does one identify what they want their marriage to look and feel like in 5, 10, 20 years? Ideally, one should do this prior to committing to that marriage. Marriage is for life. But if that life leads to one partner feeling unworthy, unsexy, unloved and ultimately unhappy, what then?

More questions

I don't know that I'm quite ready to delve into answering questions - I seem to be hung up on forming more.

I did persue some answers this morning, answers to questions on marriage, being a wife, and forming successful partnerships. I fully intend sharing those tomorrow, when I have been able to articulate more what I've found.

I enjoyed the company of a couple of lovely like-women this morning - both with children under 2, and both 30-odd-ish. Both with a level of understanding regarding the feeling of being un-sexy, under-valued, and lacking in receiving physical affection from their romantic partner. However, that is where the similarities ended. Whilst they echoed many of my thoughts, and could relate to feeling 'without', for them it is merely a fleeting moment. For me, it seems to be the one thing I keep coming back to, and the catalyst for many of my big questions of late.

Which leaves me with more questions:

Are men and women built differently when it comes to physicality in a relationship?

I believe it's not a men/women difference, I believe it's something to do with relationship styles...actually, likely to do with something along the lines of Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages.

Why do relationships ebb & flow?

How can we better hear each other?

How do successful marriages deal with the issues I am currently facing with my husband?

What options are there when certain needs can not be fulfilled in the marital relationship?

Is there really one soul mate for us, and if so, is that person a romantic soul mate, or otherwise?

So, with those questions set free, I shall tomorrow embark on some answers.

What are my "big questions"?

Lately I find myself thinking too much, talking too much, and asking myself (& my friends, family & acquaintances) many, many questions. They seem to be "bigger picture" questions. Almost questions of someone who's at a point where they're re-assessing their seemingly perfect life, wondering what really is it that matters?

How do people effectively separate home life & work life?
Why does society judge a working mother (or a stay-at-home one, for that matter, or a stay-at-home father?)?
Why doesn't society understand the repercussions and pain involved with infertility?
How does one's child make them feel as if they've just placed the last piece of the puzzle?
What does it mean when you feel more valued at work than you do at home?
What is it that makes a happy marriage?
Is there something to do with my age that's making me re-evaluate?
Why do people expect another sibling to be around the corner after the first is born?
Why do people choose to ignore unpleasant things as opposed to respectfully discussing them?


Whilst they entertain me, & engage in the discussions to some extent, I feel somewhat as if I am taking away some of their all-too-precious time (no sarcasm intended, it's a mere observation of the way our lives all seem to be headed). Where to go to, then, to work through these ideas, and gather thoughts?

Why, here, of course!!