Is it this expectation?

"I learned, really learned in my body, that life is now...
Someone once said to me,

"Expectation is the root of all suffering"

and after my wedding I understood that phrase...
the messages in our culture that keep us reaching for the next thing to bring us happiness - that perfect boyfriend, that perfect wedding, then the house, the children, the car, the better job."

Sheryl Nissinen, The Conscious Bride, 2000

Is it this expectation that is making me question my marriage?

Have I expected that a marriage should look or feel a certain way? Have I expected that my marriage, child, job etc will complete me? Or have I had an expectation that all marriages lack the intimacy and affection I so crave, and therefore an expectation that it is normal to be lacking in this?

I have found, through many discussions over the recent past, that whilst my friends and colleagues are able to relate to a time in their relationships where they have felt "out of sync" with their partner in regards to affection and intimacy levels, they could not say that this has been an issue for the almost 8 years of being in their relationships, as have I. I understand that a marriage needs to be tended to, as a garden does, and that no marriage is successful without some effort. I have been tending to this issue for the entirety. I have initiated marriage counselling to work through this. I am prepared to work through this, yet I so long to feel that intimacy and affection that, deep down, I know is not evident in my partner.

At what point, though, does one acknowledge that they did not realise what it was they needed when they began the marital relationship? At what point does one acknowledge that their partner has not changed, but that they themselves thought they could live without intimacy and affection? At what point does one acknowledge that they can not carry on without a caress, without a tender kiss - be it on the mouth, neck, body- without making love with the sole purpose of wanting their partner to experience ultimate pleasure, forsaking one's own needs and desires (occasionally, not all the time!). At what point....?

At what point does one identify what they want their marriage to look and feel like in 5, 10, 20 years? Ideally, one should do this prior to committing to that marriage. Marriage is for life. But if that life leads to one partner feeling unworthy, unsexy, unloved and ultimately unhappy, what then?