It's been a while, I know.

Honestly, when I begin to contemplate putting the events and emotional turmoil of the past few months into words, I feel exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted.

I'll not detail just yet where the past few months have taken me, both physically and emotionally. I'll start with where I am now.

My new life has begun. I am the proud owner of my own abode, sharing joint parenting of my son (mostly amicably), and working full-time. It's been a huge few months, and it's taken its toll over the past week, with me taking 2 days leave to rest and recoup, and refocus. To try to get over this complete exhaustion.

I've spent time with 2 people of particular importance, with a third who's been in the wings for a couple of months, but have not managed to 'tee anything up' with, which is why he's getting the flick me thinks.

The first person is one I've spoken of before. We've spent a little more time together, with him coming for dinner twice in the 3 weeks I've been in my new house. He was over again last night. The conversation flows so freely, and I believe we both enjoy each others' company. But I really don't know if there's anything other than friendship on his part. I don't know if he's interested in anything more, but is keen on slow, or if he is really only ever going to be a friend, despite what we've shared before. I know my feelings towards him echo the former. I just need to know his, to alleviate the 'what is he thinking?', 'what does he want?' questions that occupy my mind.

The second person has been off the scene for a couple of months. We spent time together for the first few months of the year, but it was confined to within the 4 walls of his bedroom, and I grew tired of this - reading back through my posts, it's confirmed for me that I don't want this type of relationship. I need more what lies with the first person, with intimacy and affection thrown in.

This second person came back onto the scene last weekend, and has indicated he wants to see me again, and to see my new abode. I just don't know that I'm willing to share it with him - I don't want to share my bedroom with him if it's of the nature it was previously. Yet, I was more than happy for the first person to spend the night lying next to me, intimacy or no intimacy.

I just don't know...

How early is too early?

For all the positives of being in a new relationship of any kind, establishing the boundaries, expectations and desires of each party is far from one.

How early is too early to have the discussion of exclusivity?
How early is too early to become involved with another after the demise of a long-term relationship?

How do you breathe?

I don't speak in the literal sense, I speak metaphorically.
Well, in a way I suppose I do mean literally.

You know that feeling you get when it all just gets too much? When you feel there's no way to turn, it's hard every which way, and that your breathing is constantly shallow and hastened? When you feel the knot in your stomach, the one that you didn't even realise you had, until you had a chance to breathe again?

This life is about enjoying it, is it not? I believe this. Strongly. And this is what has led me to some major life choices of late. If you aren't happy, do something about it! Oh, and did I ever?....

I realise that there are many, many people out there with so much more to complain about than I, and please don't think I'm complaining. Everyone has a different threshold, and one should never judge another with a greater or smaller threshold. I just didn't realise I'd hit mine - until I had a moment to myself whilst I was house sitting a month ago. And I realised I enjoyed the freedom of putting my feet on the coffee table whilst enjoying a glass of wine (or two or three), and watching (yet again), Mallrats, an old favourite movie - and one I'd not watched for at least 8 years. I enjoyed the freedom of walking to the local deli to pick up the weekend paper. Of the trip to the other local shop to purchase fresh, hot turkish bread for lunch - with dip. And that's all.

No judgements over my choices heard from anyone. They were my choices to make. They were things I enjoyed. And I noticed I was breathing again when I did these things. I noticed the knot in my stomach release somewhat.

I took myself off to a resort down south late last week for a few nights to recoup, and, above all, to breathe again. I took notice of what it was I enjoyed in life. Wineries, lazing on the beach looking out to the sea, laying by the pool reading a good book, fish and chips in a picturesque location, learning about coffee, d&m's with a long lost friend....These are the things that loosened that knot in my stomach. I felt I could breathe again.

Are these things difficult to replicate? No, they are not. With a child, they are logistically challenging, but they are not out of reach. These are the things I aim to hold dear this year, and to make a point of enjoying, to make sure I remain breathing - deep and slowly, not shallow and hastened.

So, what is it that allows you to breathe? Can you make a concerted effort to enjoy one or two of them every few weeks?

Back in the game

I find myself back on the single scene. After a month or so of receiving much attention from a few interested parties (interested only in one thing, though), I find I am not interested in receiving attention of that sort any longer. I want to spend time with persons who want to spend time with me - not just for that 3 letter word.

I have made a vow to myself not to get into a relationship again any time soon, and to learn to live alone and be single, get to know me as me, not me in a relationship. Re-learn what I like in life, live the life I want to live.

However, I have found myself spending some time with a person. A person whose company I greatly enjoy. A person who I feel at ease with, and feel that conversation flows naturally with him. Questions have been raised about whether my meetings with this person constitute 'dates', and I have questions in my own mind regarding whether this person is 'just a friend', whether he is at all interested in more, and if he is, if he's happy to take it slow.

The first occasion we spent time together was almost 2 weeks ago. We were texting, I said if he wanted to catch up for a drink to let me know, he said he was headed to the beach and I was welcome to join him for a drink. So I did. He bought me a drink, then I reciprocated for round 2. We spent about 3 hours together, just talking. It was good. It was easy. Cheek kiss goodbye. Here, we need to remember that this man has kissed me once before. We've both been burnt, so I imagine that this is 'taking it slow' if this is 'seeing' someone???

We had a couple of texts in the following week, with me not getting responses to a couple of mine, so I thought he wasn't interested. Then Wednesday night, I received a text asking how my day was. We texted some more, he mentioned he was headed out to his house sitting house, and I was aware he needed to drive right past mine. I offered coffee, he came, we had 2, he said he'd go to a movie with me, and again we spent 2 1/2 hours chatting. Cheek kiss goodbye again.

Honestly, I don't know if these constitute dates, if he's interested as anything more than a friend etc. Thoughts???

How do you cope with the loneliness after separation?

The loneliness.

That's what's getting me. When you have lived with your partner for 7 years, and have had a child around for 2 1/2, to suddenly go to having no company whatsoever for half of the week is quite a shock to the system. I can't fathom how those who separate after 20-30 years together cope.

It's not only going from living with someone, it's also a move back to a city after 9 months away. People have moved on. They have their own lives. That don't, as a general rule, involve socialising with you. My mother included. But that's another story...

I don't know why I expected that perhaps my close friends and family might actually ask me for dinner, or told me to call if I wanted company. I am so used to not asking for help. Doing everything and coping with everything on my own. I have made a more conscious effort over the past 6-8 weeks to ask for help. To admit when I feel low and need company. But I really feel I was better off before, surviving on my own. You don't suffer the disappointment of asking for help, admitting weakness, and being turned down.

So, tell me, how do you cope with the loneliness after separation? Today I've done yoga on a DVD in the house sitting house I'm at. I've gotten out of the house, driven around to look at furniture for my new house, been to my new house to take photo's, done some work, read the paper, walked to the deli down the road, washed my car, blow dried my hair, asked for company in going to the outdoor cinema tonight via facebook and text messages (clearly to no avail, judging by the time I'm writing this). All of my stuff is in storage, so I can't really get into one of my hobbies.

Really, tell me, how do you cope? Does it get any better?

Where am I now?

I no longer go to sleep at night feeling unloved and unsexy. For I no longer go to sleep with someone else next to me.

I no longer feel guilty for having a 30 minute bath. For I have no-one to query my desire to bathe away the days' stresses. I have no-one to demonstrate anger or contempt towards me for wanting, nay, needing, to do so.

I no longer question my parenting skills so frequently, nor do I feel judged by the other parent for my parenting choices. For I no longer have the other parent around 24/7 to question and judge.

I no longer feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who understands me, or even pretends to understand me. Nor do I feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who is willing to listen without judgement, negativity and contempt.

Most of the time I feel happiness, contentment, positivity. It's on my terms. I am living my life on my terms, for the first time in my whole adult life. I don't live with my parents. I don't live with my husband. I am living alone for the first time. Yes, I have to deal with the emotions and pangs of guilt and pain associated with relinquishing 50% of time with my son, and of being a single parent. But all that considered, I still feel a level of happiness, contentment and positivity I've not felt in some time.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments - doesn't everyone? Most recently was the Monday just gone, public holiday after Christmas, all friends with their families or partners. Mother in cleaning mode. Having been heavily disappointed and let down by deceptive and inconsiderate actions from a once-upon-a-time friend the previous day. That said, after spending the morning crying in bed (no, I did not have care of my son), I had the great pleasure of enjoying time with a person enduring similar emotions and challenges that are part and parcel of the separating single parent. A person I feel a connection with, feel safe with, and someone I see myself spending more time with.

Before I get to the future, I shall focus on the past few months. I shall detail the big questions that occupied my mind these past few months in my coming posts. Stay tuned.

It's been a while...

Hmm...I am well aware of just how long it's been. Initially, it was a forgotten password AND username (I know, who forgets both?!), then, well...my marriage quite literally fell apart, I lost my job, and had no abode to dwell in on return to my home city...to say the least, I have been consumed.

At a time when I clearly needed to be blogging, I was focussed elsewhere. Suffice to say I am back now, and I intend pouring my heart and soul into articulating these past few months.