Is it this expectation?

"I learned, really learned in my body, that life is now...
Someone once said to me,

"Expectation is the root of all suffering"

and after my wedding I understood that phrase...
the messages in our culture that keep us reaching for the next thing to bring us happiness - that perfect boyfriend, that perfect wedding, then the house, the children, the car, the better job."

Sheryl Nissinen, The Conscious Bride, 2000

Is it this expectation that is making me question my marriage?

Have I expected that a marriage should look or feel a certain way? Have I expected that my marriage, child, job etc will complete me? Or have I had an expectation that all marriages lack the intimacy and affection I so crave, and therefore an expectation that it is normal to be lacking in this?

I have found, through many discussions over the recent past, that whilst my friends and colleagues are able to relate to a time in their relationships where they have felt "out of sync" with their partner in regards to affection and intimacy levels, they could not say that this has been an issue for the almost 8 years of being in their relationships, as have I. I understand that a marriage needs to be tended to, as a garden does, and that no marriage is successful without some effort. I have been tending to this issue for the entirety. I have initiated marriage counselling to work through this. I am prepared to work through this, yet I so long to feel that intimacy and affection that, deep down, I know is not evident in my partner.

At what point, though, does one acknowledge that they did not realise what it was they needed when they began the marital relationship? At what point does one acknowledge that their partner has not changed, but that they themselves thought they could live without intimacy and affection? At what point does one acknowledge that they can not carry on without a caress, without a tender kiss - be it on the mouth, neck, body- without making love with the sole purpose of wanting their partner to experience ultimate pleasure, forsaking one's own needs and desires (occasionally, not all the time!). At what point....?

At what point does one identify what they want their marriage to look and feel like in 5, 10, 20 years? Ideally, one should do this prior to committing to that marriage. Marriage is for life. But if that life leads to one partner feeling unworthy, unsexy, unloved and ultimately unhappy, what then?

More questions

I don't know that I'm quite ready to delve into answering questions - I seem to be hung up on forming more.

I did persue some answers this morning, answers to questions on marriage, being a wife, and forming successful partnerships. I fully intend sharing those tomorrow, when I have been able to articulate more what I've found.

I enjoyed the company of a couple of lovely like-women this morning - both with children under 2, and both 30-odd-ish. Both with a level of understanding regarding the feeling of being un-sexy, under-valued, and lacking in receiving physical affection from their romantic partner. However, that is where the similarities ended. Whilst they echoed many of my thoughts, and could relate to feeling 'without', for them it is merely a fleeting moment. For me, it seems to be the one thing I keep coming back to, and the catalyst for many of my big questions of late.

Which leaves me with more questions:

Are men and women built differently when it comes to physicality in a relationship?

I believe it's not a men/women difference, I believe it's something to do with relationship styles...actually, likely to do with something along the lines of Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages.

Why do relationships ebb & flow?

How can we better hear each other?

How do successful marriages deal with the issues I am currently facing with my husband?

What options are there when certain needs can not be fulfilled in the marital relationship?

Is there really one soul mate for us, and if so, is that person a romantic soul mate, or otherwise?

So, with those questions set free, I shall tomorrow embark on some answers.

What are my "big questions"?

Lately I find myself thinking too much, talking too much, and asking myself (& my friends, family & acquaintances) many, many questions. They seem to be "bigger picture" questions. Almost questions of someone who's at a point where they're re-assessing their seemingly perfect life, wondering what really is it that matters?

How do people effectively separate home life & work life?
Why does society judge a working mother (or a stay-at-home one, for that matter, or a stay-at-home father?)?
Why doesn't society understand the repercussions and pain involved with infertility?
How does one's child make them feel as if they've just placed the last piece of the puzzle?
What does it mean when you feel more valued at work than you do at home?
What is it that makes a happy marriage?
Is there something to do with my age that's making me re-evaluate?
Why do people expect another sibling to be around the corner after the first is born?
Why do people choose to ignore unpleasant things as opposed to respectfully discussing them?


Whilst they entertain me, & engage in the discussions to some extent, I feel somewhat as if I am taking away some of their all-too-precious time (no sarcasm intended, it's a mere observation of the way our lives all seem to be headed). Where to go to, then, to work through these ideas, and gather thoughts?

Why, here, of course!!