Heart or head?

Occasionally we find ourselves torn between the two. Very occasionally we find our heart at the forefront, even when our head knows far better.

As a subscriber to the "wears heart on sleeve" brigade, I find it even more difficult to allow my head to override my heart. Particularly in matters of the heart.

Exactly which is it that wins out for you?

Baby I'm getting better

I'm not appreciating being unwell and not having someone to look after you. I know there are worse things in life, but, being currently unwell, It's bothering me. I guess that's the only point where being single gets me down.

9 months ago was probably when it hit me hardest. I had been in & out of emergency wards for a couple of months, having to drive myself through excruciating pain - there simply was no one there for me. I had a couple of friends who came to visit me, but at the end of the day I was on morphine & going home to an empty house. That cut.

A few months later, I finally secured a date for surgery. Only to have a woman t-bone my car on the way to work 1 week prior, causing my car to become airborne & lay to rest not 1m from a rather large power pole. I had care of my son that week.

It was difficult, to say the least, dealing with severe whiplash, on top of excruciating abdominal pain, whilst caring for my beautiful 4 year old son. How do you complete the required physio exercises every hour or two when there's a little person needing your care & love? How do you prepare your meals when the whiplash headache is crippling & abdominal pain tortuous?

Oh, what I would've given to have my best friend back from Greece at that time. Crazily enough, I was actually dating a person at the time. Yet they couldn't find it in themselves to make a visit to me in hospital or at home. The promise of physical care support following my surgery was appearing more & more hollow at that point. Yet I kept asking, confirming, & kept getting that confirmation, that promise.

One week later, of course, that was withdrawn in the cruelest way. Unable to walk unaided. To rise from couch or bed unassisted. I received a call telling me that his feelings had changed, that he wasn't coming. I was left alone, on morphine, for a tortuous night & day, until friends & mother could free themselves to care for me.

That cut the most. That someone is cared for had deemed me not worthy of even a hint of care or friendship. I decided in that period of time that I had shown myself & the world how truly strong I really was, and that never again would I need anyone else. Never again would I rely on another. And never again would I ask. If someone wanted me, or wanted to help me out, they'd do it because they wanted to.

So, yes, I've been through worse. And whilst I've made that decision to not rely on or need another ever again, it would be nice. Just to have that cuddle that days 'I'm here, i will look after you', and that cup of tea in the mornimg that says 'I know you're not well enough to do this today, but I am, so let me'.

But that's not ever going to happen. I won't let it. I won't be let down, hurt & disappointed again.

An imperfect world

Sometimes we wait years to regain, or even experience for the first time, a certain feeling. A perfect moment. I remember having one such moment in Venice last April. A conversation with a stranger on the plane. Sitting sipping a perfect Bellini on a perfect day on a balcony overlooking the Rialto. Feeling safe. Feeling at home. Like it's all meant to be. It's a feeling so hard to pinpoint. You just know that everything feels perfect. Except It's not. My son wasn't there to share the moment.

What are you supposed to do when that perfect feeling has arisen from an imperfect world? When you appreciate that feeling in a way you haven't appreciated much before, but you know full well that the likelihood of experiencing it again is minimal. And that scares you. That you have no control over when, where & whether or not it will come around again,no matter how much you may want it to.

I know it will be said that you just hold onto that feeling & remember it. But what if it hurts to do that? Sometimes being stronger like that cuts more.

Relationship status by choice or by chance?

I was originally going to title this "Single by Choice or By Chance", but then thought that I do wonder if people in relationships occasionally identify with the "by choice or by chance" element.

I'm single. I make no apologies for that. Or for the fact that me being single makes some people feel insecure about their own relationships. That's about them, not me. I pose no threat to any other person's relationship - that's not what I'm about. And if that's what some think, then you aren't a person I value as being a part of my life. I fail to see how me being alone with a male friend is any different to a man being alone with a male friend. And, to be completely honest, in this day and age, it really is no different - sexual threats aren't just posed by members of the opposite sex.

When my marriage broke down, I felt I was single by chance - my husband wasn't willing to fight for me, for our marriage and our family, when I told him I was unhappy. The only men I came across were only after one night stands or 'friends with benefits' arrangements. I just wasn't meeting eligible people. I thought that I could hack the FWB arrangement, and that one night stands wouldn't affect me. It took me a while to figure out that I was actually worth more, and didn't deserve that - I deserved someone who didn't just want that one element of me, but all of me. Physically, emotionally.

So at that point, I guess I'd say I was single by both chance and choice - I was choosing not to enter into sub-standard or quasi-relationships. By the same token, it was a matter of chance that I was not meeting men who were interested in anything more.

Then I fell in love. I met a man who completely stole my heart. He entwined himself in my life. Began to build a future with me and gave me hope. Only I didn't really know his true self. It took me 5 weeks to begin to be affected by a man who suffered from a personality disorder - a sociopath who had a history of engulfing a woman then destroying her, only to apologise profusely and repeat the process again. It took me six months to regain my confidence and to stand up for what was right, and to finally file for a restraining order - to say that enough was enough. I made a concscious choice to stay single. The risk of hurt was simply too great for me. I guess it still is.

If someone could mould themselves into your life, if you could trust someone so implicitly, and they then do what he did to me, what hope was there?

I have dated 2 other men in the 2 years that have followed, and I'd say they were largely relationships of chance. I settled. Again, I allowed myself to be treated poorly. I was choosing to be in a relationship of chance.

Well, the highlight on Valentine's Day this week has got me thinking. Yes, I haven't met anyone who is single, sane, sexy (to me anyway) and straight, which makes being single a chance. However I'm also choosing to be single.

I'm choosing not to allow anyone in.
I'm choosing to have standards and not settle.
I'm single by choice.
I'm happy in my life.
I'm happy not having a man upsetting the balance in that happy life.
I'm happy not having a man I'm only going to worry is going to hurt me. I'm happy.
I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to take the chance. I'm just not interested. Being single is my choice. Please don't judge me for it, or view me as a threat because of it. I'm just a person like you, currently with a relationship status of choice, just like you.