Where am I now?

I no longer go to sleep at night feeling unloved and unsexy. For I no longer go to sleep with someone else next to me.

I no longer feel guilty for having a 30 minute bath. For I have no-one to query my desire to bathe away the days' stresses. I have no-one to demonstrate anger or contempt towards me for wanting, nay, needing, to do so.

I no longer question my parenting skills so frequently, nor do I feel judged by the other parent for my parenting choices. For I no longer have the other parent around 24/7 to question and judge.

I no longer feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who understands me, or even pretends to understand me. Nor do I feel disappointed and hurt in not having a partner who is willing to listen without judgement, negativity and contempt.

Most of the time I feel happiness, contentment, positivity. It's on my terms. I am living my life on my terms, for the first time in my whole adult life. I don't live with my parents. I don't live with my husband. I am living alone for the first time. Yes, I have to deal with the emotions and pangs of guilt and pain associated with relinquishing 50% of time with my son, and of being a single parent. But all that considered, I still feel a level of happiness, contentment and positivity I've not felt in some time.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments - doesn't everyone? Most recently was the Monday just gone, public holiday after Christmas, all friends with their families or partners. Mother in cleaning mode. Having been heavily disappointed and let down by deceptive and inconsiderate actions from a once-upon-a-time friend the previous day. That said, after spending the morning crying in bed (no, I did not have care of my son), I had the great pleasure of enjoying time with a person enduring similar emotions and challenges that are part and parcel of the separating single parent. A person I feel a connection with, feel safe with, and someone I see myself spending more time with.

Before I get to the future, I shall focus on the past few months. I shall detail the big questions that occupied my mind these past few months in my coming posts. Stay tuned.

It's been a while...

Hmm...I am well aware of just how long it's been. Initially, it was a forgotten password AND username (I know, who forgets both?!), then, well...my marriage quite literally fell apart, I lost my job, and had no abode to dwell in on return to my home city...to say the least, I have been consumed.

At a time when I clearly needed to be blogging, I was focussed elsewhere. Suffice to say I am back now, and I intend pouring my heart and soul into articulating these past few months.